My Comforter
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. - The Bible - Jeremiah 29: 11-13
My sweet, beautiful daughter. My source of total happiness. How I loved you! I breathed in - and there was joy! And I breathed out - and there was happiness! Never crying, always happy, always smiling and aware - so aware - so awake - so observant ! You breathed in the world while I breathed in joy. And I thanked a God I did not know for such a blessing.
For the first 6 months of her life, her only nourishment came from me, and when solids were slowly introduced, I wanted to let her decide when she wanted to wean. I had no problems or hang-ups with breastfeeding. I believed it was a normal, natural and loving experience to share with a baby and the breastfeeding books promised a reward of even closer bonding for doing what was natural and right. What did I have to lose? - Besides my heart - And this precious little-one already had that.
She never cried for hunger, I always anticipated and the milk was always warm and ready to go. She nestled in my arms as she suckled and I loved her.
I remember when I went out visiting, she was always with me. When she would fall asleep, contented and happy in my arms, people often would say, “you can lay her down here or here” But this made not sense to me - It was obvious that she was content in my arms and I was content to hear her gentle dozing breaths while I gazed into the her angelic content and innocent face.
“Thank-you no,” I would say, “We are both happy right where we are.”
I did not understand. Why would I want to put her down? It reminded me of the many mothers in the hospital when I gave birth. They would have the babies in their cots at the end of their beds - untouched and unheld - most of the day. I did not understand this either. Isn’t there suppose to be a instantaneous bonding between mother and child? Isn’t it suppose to be instinctive? I was instinctively drawn to love and hold my daughter. Wasn’t this normal? And if this was normal then why was I not seeing the same reflected in others? I did not understand .
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We had baby walkers then, a tray with wheels! Unfortunately because some parents did not use these wisely, resulting in children falling down staircases and having terrible accidents, these walkers are no longer allowed to be legally sold in this country. This is a shame, because, wisely used, these were a wonderful mobility aid for very young children.
So my daughter’s curiosity would not be stifled and to allow her maximum mobility, I baby-proofed my whole living area within arms reach of the baby walker. Because of this she had free-rein to scuttle around on her feet wherever she wanted to go. So, before she was even able to walk, she had a freedom most young children never experience - And she loved it!
Now one might think, early mobility in such a walker might delay her walking skills - But this was NOT the case. I remember the day she learned to pull herself up to stand in the crib - She beamed with such pride at this accomplishment! And then, when I would put her down to crawl, she would immediately head for anything she could use to pull herself up with. Once standing, she would make insistent gruntings accompanied by a persistent waving of her hand until I placed another item beside the first so that she could remain standing but move on a little farther. And so she would repeat herself until she had managed to have me construct a circle of items that allowed her to make the full circuit of the room and then she would continue - round and round or back and forth, stopping every once in a while to proudly survey “her” circular construction until she decided to stop to play with a toy on the floor. But essentially, she refused to crawl, preferring an upward position for mobility.
By 9 months, my daughter was walking on her own and when she began to talk she could really chatter. I remember walking with her outdoors. She was just ahead of me, incessantly chatting away, oblivious to whether I was really listening to her or not and just happy to be engaged in this one-sided verbal discourse.
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For more than two years after your birth, I remained emotionally attached to your father and despite the overwhelming love and joy I had raising you, the pain of the rejection I could not understand began to draw a shadow over my life and my feeling.
Your father, originally from New Brunswick, from a potato farming family, came down from Alberta to see us for 2 days shortly after you were born. I could not understand how he could just leave us - leave you! A baby grows and changes so quickly. He was going to miss all those important milestones. I could not understand.
And then he would write - very short notes and sometimes he would phone. At one point, he said he wanted me to come out West. He was going to marry me off the plane and we would honeymoon in Hawaii. This was coming from a man who had done nothing to help me - or his child. Well, I might be emotionally attached but I wasn’t stupid! So I agreed, at his expense, to go out and see him for a visit. My mother lived in the same city, Calgary, and I would stay with her.
Oh the plans he had. He was going to take me to this exotic garden on some urban rooftop and he was going to take me on a trip to the Rockies. But, as it turned out, this was all talk. It was as if the moment he saw me, he got cold feet again (he never did marry). He refused to take me to any of the places he promised .
You were only 7 months old and he seemed to be very much attached to you. He would rock you and hold you and walk with you in his arms. He would help you take steps as he held your arms. We didn’t fight, he just did not want to commit. I could not understand.
So once again I was rebuked and I went back home.
But I remained emotionally attached to your father. I had a child with him - a beautiful child - YOU ! I just could not understand how a man could turn his back on such love and such a wonderful child. I was sad and dejected and powerless to free myself from the emotional chains that bound me to him. Chains that I knew were now attempting to drag me down into the darkness.
You were 2 when I began a serious search for God - I did not even know if He even existed but I was sincere in this quest, reading my Bible daily and praying “If you really exist . . . ” And when I finished reading I asked “ If this is true, give me the faith I need to believe”.
Then I remember one day, standing in the middle of my living room, being particularly burdened by my emotional chain and I cried out to God to remove it, to take it from me, telling Him that I was giving it to Him, that I didn’t want it any more.
All I can do is tell you what happened: This emotional tie that was causing me such pain was GONE ! - LIFTED ! - IMMEDIATELY ! - never to bother me again ! The very moment I asked it was gone, and I knew it was gone and at that very moment I knew that I knew that I knew - God was real!
Later, as I continued to read the Bible, I got to the Gospel of John. As I read, I was surprised to learn things I had never been told in all my many years going to Sunday School. I knew there was suppose to be God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Ghost/Spirit: the Trinity. But no one ever told me anything about this Holy Spirit. But now I was reading in my Bible (a Bible I obtained when it was left unspoken-for in my place of employment 3 years out of high school) that Jesus, Himself, claimed this Holy Spirit, also referred to as The Comforter, was very important.
From what I was reading, it was obvious that Jesus wanted us to know about the Holy Spirit and how to have this part of the Trinity working directly in our lives. Why did no one ever tell me about this? How could I have gone to Sunday School for years with perfect attendance and have no one tell me this? I did not understand.
But God had lifted this shackle from me and I now knew HE WAS REAL, and here was Jesus saying all I had to do was ask for this Holy Spirit - "Just ask" He said (Luke 11:9-13) - So I did. And once again my request was answered IMMEDIATELY - and, this time, DRAMATICALLY as well ! The details of this, I will not relate because everyone’s first encounter with the Holy Spirit is different and I don’t believe we should be running after an experience. Run after God, seek Him with your whole heart and then He will give you your own personal, glorious experience!
This continuing encounter with my God has changed me and made me a different person. I can love when previously there could be no love. I have empathy for those who abuse me and my family. I do not hate - I pray, from the heart, for those who wrong me. God has also given me the ability and the emotional strength to fight for social justice, though at times it can be very frustrating .
But please understand, I do not boast in myself. I am human. I am a work in progress - There is nothing within myself to boast of. Instead I boast of God who is continually at work within me and I thank Him for the changes He has wrought in my mind and in my thinking. In doing so, He has released my burdens and broken my chains many times over.
Do not fret because of evil men or be envious of those who do wrong; for like the grass they will soon wither, like green plants they will soon die away.
Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this:
He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil.
For evil men will be cut off, but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.
A little while, and the wicked will be no more; though you look for them, they will not be found.
But the meek will inherit the land and enjoy great peace.
The wicked plot against the righteous and gnash their teeth at them; but the Lord laughs at the wicked, for he knows their day is coming.
The wicked draw the sword and bend the bow to bring down the poor and needy, to slay those whose ways are upright.
But their swords will pierce their own hearts, and their bows will be broken.
Better the little that the righteous have than the wealth of many wicked; for the power of the wicked will be broken, but the LORD upholds the righteous.
The days of the blameless are known to the LORD, and their inheritance will endure forever.
In times of disaster they will not wither; in days of famine they will enjoy plenty.
But the wicked will perish: The LORD's enemies will be like the beauty of the fields, they will vanish—vanish like smoke. -The Bible - Psalm 37:1- 20
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