9. Sher and Terry

Sher and Terry
Chapter
9

I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. This is why right, temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant.- Martin Luther King

Two unmarried identical twin teens, Sher and Shauna, pregnant at the same time. I cannot begin to imagine the thoughts and feelings that must have been going through the mind of their mother during such trying circumstances. But the impact from the actions of this mother would stretch its destructive tentacles across time, space, and families into my home more than 19 years later.

What I know of this woman’s story was collected from conversational fragments with my daughter who had befriended one of the twins, Sher, who lived across the hallway in my apartment building with her common law husband Terry and her 13 year old son from her previous marriage. Sher was a quiet, soft-spoken, petit woman, red-haired and freckly. Terry was a large,“ teddy bear” type of man, well groomed, with graying hair, and soft-spoken as well.

From my daughter’s conversations with this woman, she gleaned a story of deepest tragedy, a story that deserve a publication of its own. According to this woman, her first child, a newborn son, was fraudulently stolen from her when the Children’s Aid Society conspired with her mother to trick her into signing away her child for adoption.

Only recently, did another piece of the puzzle come together when I was informed that this grandmother used to be a case worker for Children’s Aid. Needless to say, this event caused a permanent rift between her and her mother and it also rent apart the usual close relationship between twins because, unlike her, the other twin, Shauna, was allowed to keep her child.

Just before my grandson was born, Sher had attempted to contact her, now grown, son. However, her attempts had been blocked by the hostility of the adoptive parents and her birth son was refusing to speak with her on the phone. To me, this woman's history and her recent unsuccessful attempt at reconciliation with the son she had lost as a newborn, explained this woman's unusual interest and fixation on my newborn grandson.

For the first nine months of my grandson's life, my daughter lived with me in my home. Originally, my daughter was not working and she was suppose to be home looking after _____.

From my daughter’s conversations to me, as well as her numerous visitations to this couple’s apartment when I was home, I believed my daughter was forging a close relationship with this couple who lived across the hall. But they were her friends and, at this point, I had not even conversed with them.

Because my daughter was having problems coping with the responsibility of motherhood, on occasion, I had been forced to bring my grandson to work. I knew she wasn’t bonding with her child and I had attempted, to no avail, to get help from Children’s Services, but I thought that this occasional respite during the week-days, as well as my assistance on the week-ends was enough. When my grandson was home with my daughter, I believed she was looking after him.

It was not until my daughter was removed from my home by the police that I began to piece together a story of a mother who spent very little time with her child. According to the neighbors, as soon as I left for work, my daughter would knock on this couple's door and leave _____ with them, and when she was seen with my grandson, she was detached and uncaring. I was horrified that only now were my neighbors telling me their concerns and only now was I beginning to realize the depth of my daughter’s dysfunction.

In hindsight, I recall memories of my daughter sitting on the front steps of our apartment building smoking while my grandson was left in the stroller between the two glass doors of the front entrance. I remember thinking this strange and speaking to her on this. Her response was that she could still see him and she did not want to be smoking around him. And then, I remember the time my daughter had let this couple have my grandson for an overnight. There had been no need for this on my daughter's part, I had been home, as was my daughter, and either one of us could have been looking after him, but this had been a request from this couple.

I was very uncomfortable about the arrangement and I did confront my daughter about my feelings, but she insisted there was nothing wrong with this.

As it happened, the very week-end my daughter was removed from my house by the police, Sher took her son and left her husband. Even though I had doubts about this couple, I was concerned that my grandson, in one full swoop, had, now, lost two significant people in his life, Sher and his mother, and I did not think it in his best interest to deprive him of his relationship with Terry. So now, with my daughter gone, I, for the first time, began to established a relationship with Terry.

Originally I made short visits to Terry’s apartment with ______ and it was immediately apparent that there was an established bond between him and my grandson. ______ shone in his presence and I could see that already there was established unique routine of behavior and response between them. Feeling that ______ was happy and safe with Terry, we eventually settled into a routine where Terry would have ______ for one hour a day. This was a lot less than Terry was used to, but this was the amount of time that I was comfortable with. During this hour, I was able to get a few chores done and I also prided myself on my ability to get the bus to the mall, with a predetermined errand in mind, and to be back within the hour on the next returning bus. It was good to have this break that I could depend upon but I never extended the visitation time beyond the predetermined hour. I felt comfortable with an hour but nothing more.

Meanwhile Terry was having problems with his health, a rare environmental sensitivity syndrome, that would come and go, occasionally flaring up and slowly disabling him to the point that he would be restricted to a wheelchair. At the time, he was slowly on the downslide and his energy was waning so I think, in the end, especially without Sher not being there, he was content with this limited arrangement as well. When I took my grandson over for his visit, I always supplied his diapers, food, and a bottle, and there was always a change of clothes in the event of some messy spill or spit up. By the end of the second month, this visitation routine was well established and seemed to be working well.

Meanwhile _______ was going to a sitter for three days during the weekday, including one evening while I attended university courses. I brought him to work with me twice a week and then of course I looked after him on the weekends. Every day, except the day of my university class, he had his hourly visit with Terry.

Though the police had put an undertaking against my daughter that was meant to prevent her from contacting me, because I felt that it was important for her to maintain contact with her child, we both mutually disregarded this stipulation, and I allowed her access whenever she wanted. However, during the next three months, my daughter saw her son only 6 times. But during this time, she made arrangements for the father to see my grandson 3 times. My daughter’s visits were usually short, often times in my home, but she did take him out a few times. I distinctly remember her returning him to me while I was at work one day because she was exceedingly rude to me in front of other people and I recall these people being shocked by her manner.

One evening I met my daughter at the entrance to her apartment building so that she could sign over the family allowance cheque to me. Here, she related to me that she had been suspended from her job for a week, and once more I heard a woeful story of victimization that, unfortunately had become a routine since her very first high school job. When these victimization stories began, I believed them. I was her mother and I remember feeling sympathetic, protective, and defensive for her. Of course I believed her. But over the years, she continued to get fired from every one of her jobs and there was always the same victimizations story. Eventually, I realized that I needed to begin questioning her stories. For some reason, she was unable to hold a job for any length of time and because she persisted in wrapped herself in these self-victimization stories, I had no idea what her actual problem was.

Halfway through the third month, Sher began visiting Terry at his apartment. It seemed that reconciliation was in process between this couple. I continued my grandson’s daily hour visits with Terry and, at times, when I took him over, Sher was visiting. This did not disturb me because I knew that my grandson had an established relationship with this woman as well. What did disturb me was that, during these visits, Sher would assertively knock at by door requesting my grandson beyond the agreed upon hour. I never allowed this, but Sher persisted, knocking long and loudly, to the point that I felt harassed. As a result, I eventually ignored her knocks. I was happy that this couple seemed to be working towards reconciliation, but it disturbed me greatly that whenever she visited Terry, she wanted my grandson. It did was not seem appropriate for reconciliation to take place around a child, especially a child that was not even their own, and not even family!

I was to find out that during these reconciliation encounters, this couple were formulating plans for my grandson’s first birthday. When they first informed me about this, they, quite bizarrely, expected me to just hand my grandson over to them for this celebration. I had not been consulted about this plan and neither was I invited. To say the least, this was extremely weird, but I made no comments and asked no questions. Though I had no intention of handing over ______ to these people, I said nothing because I was curious to observe the unfolding of this bizarre behavior.

Then one evening approaching the end of the third month, I returned from my university course to find a small note attached to my apartment door:

[Insert note verbatim here]

Terry had moved out to live with Sher and still making the assumption of having ______ for this birthday party, the note stated that he would call to let me know when he would pick up my grandson. Terry had given me no forewarning of his intension to move, but, now, suddenly, he was gone! I was later to learn from the superintendent of the apartment building that Terry had been in extreme arrears with his rent and that he had sneaked out without the owner’s knowledge.

Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't there seem to be something strange about non-family members planning an unasked for, significant first birthday party, for a child without the primary caregiver? I was having serious concerns about this couple and the warning bells were now ringing loud and clear. These people were strange, and the relationship they perceived they had with my grandson was stranger still!

When this couple lived across the hall, their continued interest with my grandson made some sense, but, as non-family members moving across town, it made no sense that they expected me to freely hand over my infant grandson to them without my being present. If there had been an effort to forge a relationship with me and _______ together, I could have envisioned my going over to their place on occasion for a visit with ______. But their assumptions were deeply disturbing.

By the middle of the third month, after my daughter was showing little interest for ______ and making no attempt to financially contribute towards him, despite the fact that she was then working and despite the fact that she had successfully harassed money from the father towards his expenses, I filed for legal custody. Endeavoring to force these parents to show some kind of habitual responsibility, I also filed for maintenance from both my daughter and the father. In hindsight, perhaps I should not have done this. Earlier, before my daughter had been removed from my home, she had wanted to sign my grandson over to me, but, at that time, she had also made it very clear that she would not relinquish legal custody. In fact, she had stated adamantly and succinctly, "If you ever go after custody, I will fight you on that!"

Within two days of filing the papers for legal custody and maintenance, the consequences of that threat dramatically unfolded and the journey towards Children Services and the destruction of my family sped forward at an alarming rate. The jaws of this destructive agency gaped open. We were all about to tumble in, to be separated, chewed, and pulverized beyond all recognition. On this momentous evening, a knock sounded on my apartment door and I opened it to find my daughter in the hallway with a police officer beside her. The father was not apparent at the beginning, but he did appear later. I remember this police officer standing outside my doorway holding out my daughter's custody documents like he was displaying it to a crowd. "I have these papers. What papers do you have?", he declared. When I tried to explain that I was presently in the process of going after custody through the courts, I was told that since I did not presently have "a paper" giving me custody, that I had to hand my grandson over to my daughter.

I was naive. I have always been a law abiding citizen, and I thought, if a policeman was making such a statement, it must be true, so reluctantly I handed my grandson over to my daughter in the hallway. But since that fateful mistake, I have learned that not only was this information given me untrue but that the police in the Halifax Regional Municipality are well aware of this untruth.

First and foremost, without a warrant or court order, the police officer did not have the right to take my grandson from me, and, if I had stood my ground, they would not have physically taken him away from me. But I, not knowing any better, handed him over. Second, the police officer should have been unaware of the assault charges that the police department themselves had earlier laid against my daughter? But, in the stress of the moment, alone and believing, at the time, that I had no choice in this matter, I did not even think to bring up the matter of these charges. Lastly, when my grandson was taken, no attempt was made to assure that my grandson was being safely transported because it was later determined that he was taken away in a car without a car seat.

During the next two weeks, I made every efforts to determine my grandson's whereabouts. From phone calls to a number of people, I was able to determine that he had been shuffled around to a number of different places and that during this time no one person, including his mother was with him. The Children's Services reports that I would soon become very familiar later verified these findings. However, during this two week period, I was able to see my grandson twice. The first time, I was a able to determine that he had been left with Sher and Terry and I asked to come and see him while he was there.

This visit was short and difficult and was covered in Observations # 19 and 20 in the previous chapter. During this visit, I was told that my grandson had come to them dirty and unkempt. This broke my heart. He had always been clean, and well looked after, and with me, he had always been loved and cherished.

My second visit, at my daughter’s apartment. Covered by observation # 21 in the previous chapter: