6. Flashback #1 - My Own Daughter

Flashback #1

My Own Daughter

Chapter 6

Every child born into the world ia a new thought of God, an ever fresh and radiant possibility - Kate Douglas Wiggin

Flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone. You grew under my heart - and in my heart. You were a precious beautiful, delicate “china doll”. Just 6 pounds 8 ounces. You were small with fine features and your hands were dainty with slender fingers. It was those slender fingers that conjured up the image of a china doll, just like the fingers on the antique china doll I inherited from my grandmother - fine and dainty, delicate and fragile. I loved you the moment you were born!

Your precious tiny baby fingers always moved with grace. Never - never - were they clutched in anger. For you were an unusual baby - You never cried.

This lack of the typical bellowing verbiage of a newborn did not come from lethargy. Au contraire! It was apparent from the start that you were smart - a little sponge constantly and continually absorbing everything around you. During the day you were “bright-eyed and bushy-tailed”, happy and smiling.

I had a theory that babies often cried just because they were bored so I made sure you were not bored. There was a mobile in your crib and another over your change table. There were pictures by the change table and during the day I would give you tours of the house allowing you to soak up every interesting morsel as I talked with you about what you were so intently examining, with your eyes and, later, with your fingers. When I scrubbed the floor, I put you in the auto swing and talked to you. And I changed the position of the swing constantly, so you would not get bored of the same view. And I bought a baby carrier- a new invention at the time - that I sent all the way to California for - and I strapped you to me, heart to heart and face to face.

You never cried - And then I waited for you to get sleepy, or at least show your need for sleep by fussing - but you never did. All day long you were happy, smiling and content - content to not allow me the usual parental break during childhood naptime. And although I was never given this typical respite, how could I resent it. You were happy, smiling and you filled my heart with love.

I breastfed you. In fact, you were not totally weaned until you were three. And I was sensitive to your subtle cues. You never cried for hunger, because I could read your signs and anticipated your hunger. And you never cried because of a wet or dirty diaper. I knew just when your diaper would be wet and when you would make a deposit, immediately replacing the soiled diaper with a freshly washed and ironed one.

Another unusual thing about you - from the day I took you home from the hospital, you slept right through the night. I would put you to bed at 9 and you slept right through until 9 the next morning. Anticipating a wet diaper around midnite, I would lift you from the crib and place you on the change table. And because you got so used to these nocturnal changes, you often just slept through this routine.

During the daytime changes you would hold up your bum for me to wipe by holding your feet in your hands. And you would look intently into my eyes and you would beam a smile that would melt my soul.

But there was a vacancy - Your father, who had once declared undying love for me, who told me he wanted a house full of kids. Your father, who I was engaged to before you were even conceived - the man who deliberately and consciously begat you, was not there for you - or me. This man who I had loved so desperately had just gotten “cold feet”, and knowing I was pregnant, had just sent me away.

You were such a precious soul, it hurt me that your father was not there for you, that he was missing these precious moments with you. But not once - not once - my darling did I ever regret having you.

Disposable diapers were just becoming available but my income was limited so I used cloth. And because I had no washer, every night, after I put you to bed, I washed out those diapers in the bathtub by hand. And I remember, on my knees, pushing those diapers up and down through the water - LOVING YOU . And when I rinsed them and hung them to dry on the wooden clothes hanger, I remember LOVING YOU . And in the morning when I ironed all those diapers, I remember LOVING YOU .

Though your father left me in this position, to raise you alone - Never once did I resent my situation. Indeed, I felt blest, having such a beautiful, precious, bright and loving baby. You were my joy, you were my heart. You gave me so much happiness!